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Ah, the classic family history writing dilemma — how much say should your relatives have in the stories you write? Should they get to approve what you put in your family history? Should you skip over anything they find uncomfortable?
Honestly, it depends.
Let’s break it down because there’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this question.
When Family Input Makes Your Story Better
First, let’s talk about situations where family input is helpful.
If your relatives offer insights, corrections, or details that improve your story, why wouldn’t you incorporate that?
Maybe Aunt Bonnie remembers that Grannie took in boarders during World War II to help pay the bills while she was caring for an infant and Grandpa was overseas.
Such a story adds richness to your narrative and often comes out during your ‘beta reading’ or preliminary publication before you finalize your final product.
Additionally, some family members can also help spot mistakes. It’s easy to confuse dates, identify the wrong ancestral home in an urban environment, or not know that Uncle Gene was adopted.
These contributions are always welcome, and I’ll incorporate them into the family stories. So, absolutely, listen to your relatives! They’re helping you tell a better, more accurate story.
But What About the Skeletons in the Closet?
Here’s where things get tricky: what if your relatives don’t want specific stories shared?
Every family has skeletons. Maybe someone had a child out of wedlock, is embarrassed they were divorced multiple times, went to prison, or battled addiction.
You can have documentation that such stories are factually accurate, yet some relatives may still prefer to keep the closet door shut on these skeletons. So, how do you handle that?
Be honest but considerate.
You don’t need to publish a “hit piece” about airing dirty laundry. That’s not family history writing — that’s gossip. An example of hit pieces is Spare by Prince Harry. Whether you agree with him or not, that book reads more like a tell-all tabloid than a family history.
If you intend to harm rather than document reality, I would advise against sharing those stories.
Instead, you can approach sensitive topics with diplomacy and compassion. Acknowledge the facts, but don’t sensationalize them.
Suppose your family has a dark secret that resembles the movie entitled, The Burning Bed. In that case, then simply stating that a woman killed her husband by setting their family home ablaze will be shocking enough without you adding commentary. You can include the details of the abuse the woman experienced to demonstrate the series of events that led to that final act.
Again, stating facts in a neutral tone will all your family members to understand and make a final decision for themselves.
Keep Mature Topics Away From Young Audiences
Some of the darker or more emotionally difficult-to-read stories shouldn’t necessarily be readily available for the youngest family members.
I had a policy that my kids couldn’t read Harry Potter books until they were 13. For the most part, my children respected that, and many were grateful they hadn’t read some of the content in the later books at an earlier age.
Some of your family stories should be recorded but protected until family members are of age to read about the mature subjects.
Utilize the Preface to Forewarn Your Relatives
One final suggestion is to leverage the preface of your family history. Forewarn family members that you store to write a historically accurate narrative, regardless of modern sensibilities. You can share something like:
“In the early 1900s, the Jones family faced challenges that shaped their journey. Some of these stories remain difficult to talk about today, but they are part of our shared legacy. As the author, my goal is to present the facts and as complete a story about these individuals as possible. I leave it for you to decide the take away from our shared heritage.”
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Publishing A Family History Doesn't Mean It’s Public
Another thing to consider is where you’re sharing your story. Publishing doesn’t always mean going public with a bestseller at Barnes & Noble or Amazon!
You can self-publish your family history, bind a few copies for relatives, and keep it in your home or a local genealogy library. It doesn’t have to be plastered all over the internet for the whole world to see.
You don’t have to hand out copies at a family reunion or as Christmas presents and say, “Did you hear about our ancestor who went to jail? Did you know Great Uncle Earl abused his kids and was a raging alcoholic? "
How we handle some of the stories our family wants to keep private will shape the future for generations to come. They can either learn from our choices and make better decisions or grow resentful and distance themselves from the family.
But be warned, even if you document the stories honestly and diplomatically, some family members may still be upset. At that point, I will counsel you that their reactions and responses are their responsibility.
Who Can Control How You Write Your Family History?
In the end, it comes down to whether your relatives can have a say in what you write, you’ll have a series of choices to weigh.
There will be other pros and cons to writing or not writing about your family.
However, I always return to the peace and growth I’ve benefited from hearing the unpleasant side of my family's story. The behaviors and decisions of my relatives finally made sense, and then I could decide what to do with that newfound information.
Remember this goal: write with neutrality and honesty if you have challenging stories. Stick to the facts and let readers form their own opinions.
What Do You Think?
Now, I’d love to hear from you.
How do you decide how much input your relatives have in your family history stories?
Do you ask for their feedback before you publish?
Do you skip over sensitive topics?
Let me know in the comments because this is a worthwhile conversation. Every family handles this differently, and I want to learn from you!
