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Family history is often filled with heartwarming stories of love, resilience, and tradition. But what happens when the story isn’t so picture-perfect? What do you do when your relatives don’t want certain details shared? Do you sweep the past under the rug, or do you stay true to the facts?
If you’ve ever struggled with these questions, you’re not alone. Many genealogists and family historians face resistance when documenting uncomfortable truths like multiple marriages, divorces, or family scandals. So, how do you write an honest family history while still honoring your loved ones? Let’s explore some strategies for tackling this delicate issue with compassion.
The Balance Between Compassion and Honesty
It’s essential to approach sensitive topics with care. But let’s be clear—honesty doesn't mean airing out dirty laundry recklessly. Instead, it means documenting the truth while showing empathy toward the people involved.
A viewer wrote, "When I asked my grandma how many times she had been engaged, she smiled in a way I had never seen before. It was a telling moment, revealing more about her past than words could say."
Multiple engagements, marriages, and even divorces can stir up emotions, and those involved might prefer you leave these parts out of the story. But as a family historian, your responsibility is to record the truth—not rewrite it.
Writing vs. Publishing: There’s a Difference
It’s one thing to write down your family history and another to publish it. When you publish, the story becomes public. But you can choose how widely to share sensitive details. For example, if a relative doesn’t want their multiple marriages mentioned, you can choose to leave those out of their personal copy but include the full story in your general family history.
Keeping a private record of the truth ensures future generations can access the complete story. You don’t have to broadcast every detail to the world immediately, but the facts should be preserved somewhere.
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Be Neutral, Not Judgmental
One of the best ways to write with compassion is to be neutral. State the facts as they are—no judgment, no bias. For example, if an ancestor had multiple marriages, don’t frame it as “failed marriages,” but rather as “they were married three times.” This neutral tone helps avoid judgment and allows readers to form their own opinions.
Even in situations where the truth is painful—like abandonment, abuse, or addiction—it's important to remain objective. You don’t know all the circumstances, and it’s not your place to cast blame. Instead, present what you’ve uncovered factually: “He left the family in 1885 and remarried in 1887.”
Navigating the Truth with Compassion
Writing family history is about more than just collecting names and dates. It’s about telling the whole story—the good, the bad, and everything in between. To handle this with care, follow these steps:
Be Honest, but Empathetic – Present the facts, but do so in a way that shows understanding of your ancestors' challenges and triumphs.
Write, Then Decide Where to Publish – Not every detail needs to be widely shared immediately, but make sure the full story is recorded for future generations.
Strive for Neutrality – Avoid casting judgment on your ancestors’ actions. Instead, state the facts objectively and let readers form their own opinions.
Respect Privacy, but Preserve the Truth – If someone doesn’t want their story shared, respect their wishes in personal copies, but don’t erase the facts entirely.
Check out my full video for all my tips and suggestions.
Let’s Discuss!
How do you handle the truth in genealogy while striving to be compassionate? Have you encountered challenges writing about sensitive topics in your family history? Share your thoughts and tips in the comments below!
If you’d like to watch this video and catch more tips, head to my YouTube channel, Write Your Family History. The videos are brief but packed with information that’ll help you grow your family history research without feeling overwhelmed.
